Why What You Do Between Sessions Matters Most in Couples Therapy
Real relationship change happens outside the therapy room.
As a psychologist, I often hear couples say, “We just want things to get better.” That’s a deeply understandable hope. But here’s something that might feel uncomfortable to hear: therapy alone won’t fix your relationship.
That doesn’t mean therapy isn’t powerful—it is. But it’s not magic. What you do between sessions is where the real change begins.
Therapy Is a Blueprint, You are the Construction Crew
Couples therapy can help you understand where things are getting stuck. The process offers tools, perspective, and structure. But insight without consistent action rarely leads to meaningful change.
It’s similar to receiving a personalized workout plan from a trainer. If you only look at it during your session but never do the exercises, you’re unlikely to build strength. Therapy works the same way—your relationship strengthens through what you practice together, not just what we talk about in the room.
What Consistent Effort Looks Like
Progress doesn’t require grand gestures. Small, intentional actions make a difference:
Responding differently during conflict
Repairing more quickly after a rupture
Carving out even a few minutes to connect each day
These practices may not feel dramatic, but over time, they build the foundation for deeper trust and emotional safety.
Ask Yourself…
Are we waiting to feel better before we behave differently?
Are we assuming therapy will “fix” us without making room for our own effort?
What am I actually willing to do differently this week?
These are tough questions—but they’re important ones. Sustainable change takes ownership, not perfection.
Therapy Is a Partnership
I’m here to guide, support, and challenge you—but I can’t change your relationship for you. I can help you see what’s possible, but you have to walk the path.
If you’re struggling to follow through outside of sessions, that’s worth talking about. Sometimes avoidance, burnout, or emotional overwhelm get in the way—and that, too, is part of the work.
But ultimately, the relationships that grow are the ones that are tended to—not just talked about.
When Relationship Work Feels Impossible: Is Unresolved Trauma Getting in the Way?
If applying what you’ve learned in couples therapy feels nearly impossible—if you keep getting pulled into the same painful cycles despite your best efforts—it may be more than just a communication issue. Often, unprocessed trauma from childhood or earlier relationship ruptures gets triggered in the present.
In these cases, couples therapy or individual talk therapy alone can both feel slow and effortful. EMDR therapy offers a more direct route by helping you process the root experiences fueling those reactions. Once that stuck material is cleared, it becomes much easier to respond with presence rather than reactivity—and to finally shift the patterns that felt immovable.
Sometimes the most meaningful relationship work begins with individual healing.
If this resonates, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to keep navigating it on your own. Learn more about EMDR therapy here, or reach out to explore whether individual work could support the changes you’re working toward as a couple.
*This blog post was developed with the assistance of AI, which helped organize and enhance the content. The final content has been reviewed and refined to ensure it aligns with our values and to ensure it provides valuable insights to our readers.
Dr. Rosemary Rukavina is a licensed psychologist based in Burnaby, BC, specializing in EMDR and Couples therapy. She helps individuals work through trauma, anxiety, burnout, relationship issues, and other mental health concerns using evidence-based techniques. Dr. Rukavina offers a compassionate and grounded approach to support clients on their journey toward healing and growth. Learn more.
