Stuck in the Cycle: What to Do When Your Relationship Is Filled with Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt
How couples therapy can help you interrupt destructive patterns and reconnect with emotional safety
Some couples feel like they just can’t stop fighting.
Maybe every disagreement escalates into blame, stonewalling, or shouting. Maybe you both feel misunderstood, exhausted, and on edge. Maybe when one partner tries to leave the room to calm down, the other won’t let them—desperate to resolve the issue right now.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
But you are caught in a painful cycle that can quietly erode the foundation of your relationship—unless you learn to interrupt it.
As a Burnaby psychologist who works with couples using the Gottman Method, I see these dynamics all the time. They’re not signs of a hopeless relationship—but they are red flags that something deeper needs attention.
The “Four Horsemen” Are Real—and Reversible
Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified four behaviors that predict the breakdown of relationships with striking accuracy:
Criticism (attacking your partner’s character)
Defensiveness (self-protection that blocks accountability)
Contempt (mockery, eye-rolling, superiority)
Stonewalling (shutting down or emotionally checking out)
When couples get stuck here, it’s rarely because they don’t love each other.
It’s usually because they don’t feel safe—emotionally, relationally, or even physiologically.
Flooding: Why You Can’t Think Clearly in the Heat of Conflict
When you or your partner get overwhelmed in conflict, your nervous system may enter a state called flooding.
This means your body is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Your heart rate spikes. Your brain enters survival mode. In this state, your ability to listen, empathize, or self-soothe drops dramatically.
And if one partner insists on “talking it through right now” while the other is trying to de-escalate or leave the room, the situation often gets worse—not better.
Letting your partner pause a conversation is not abandonment.
It’s a sign of emotional regulation—and an essential first step toward repair.
If This Is You—Here’s What Needs to Change
1. Learn to Pause Conflict Before It Escalates
Create a shared signal (a word or hand gesture) to call a timeout when either of you is getting flooded.
The Gottman Method recommends a break of at least 20 minutes to allow your physiology to calm.
2. Replace Criticism with a Gentle Start-Up
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I feel lonely when I don’t feel heard. Can we talk about that?”
3. Practice Self-Soothing
Take space to breathe, walk, stretch, or use grounding tools. Then come back when you feel more regulated.
Flooded conversations lead to ruptures. Regulated conversations lead to repair.
4. Learn to Hear a No
If your partner says, “I need space right now,” let that be the boundary.
Chasing, pressuring, or yelling isn’t closeness—it’s escalation.
5. Build a Culture of Appreciation
Contempt thrives where gratitude is absent.
Make a daily habit of noticing what your partner is doing right—even the small things.
When You Can’t Break the Cycle Alone
If you and your partner can’t stop these painful dynamics, you don’t have to stay stuck.
Couples therapy can help. Not by forcing you to “communicate better” right away—but by creating emotional safety first. That’s the ground everything else grows from.
In my practice as a psychologist in Burnaby, I support couples in:
Recognizing and replacing the Four Horsemen
Navigating emotional flooding without doing harm
Repairing ruptures and restoring trust
Relearning how to be allies, not adversaries
Your relationship deserves more than survival mode.
And you’re capable of more than you think—especially with the right support.
If you’re looking for Gottman-informed couples therapy in Burnaby, I’d be honoured to help. Find out more about my approach here.
*This blog post was developed with the assistance of AI, which helped organize and enhance the content. The final content has been reviewed and refined to ensure it aligns with our values and to ensure it provides valuable insights to our readers.
Dr. Rosemary Rukavina is a licensed psychologist based in Burnaby, BC, specializing in EMDR and Couples therapy. She helps individuals work through trauma, anxiety, burnout, relationship issues, and other mental health concerns using evidence-based techniques. Dr. Rukavina offers a compassionate and grounded approach to support clients on their journey toward healing and growth. Learn more.
