When Your Childhood Left You Emotionally Closed Off—and How EMDR Therapy Can Help

Empathy is often celebrated as one of the most important emotional skills for building strong relationships and understanding others. But for some adults, connecting with others on an emotional level can feel almost impossible. This difficulty can stem from early experiences of chronic invalidation in childhood — a pattern of emotional neglect where a child's feelings, needs, and perceptions are constantly dismissed or ignored.

If you were raised in an environment where your emotions were consistently invalidated, learning to be empathic as an adult can feel like a monumental challenge. In this blog, we’ll explore the connection between childhood invalidation and adult difficulties with empathy and how you can begin to heal and develop empathy as an adult.

What Is Chronic Invalidation?

Chronic invalidation occurs when a child’s emotions are consistently disregarded, belittled, or dismissed by caregivers or significant figures in their life. This can take many forms, such as:

• Minimizing or dismissing feelings: Statements like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal” can lead children to feel that their emotions are not worthy of attention.

• Criticism or ridicule: When a child is mocked for feeling scared, sad, or angry (e.g., "Stop crying, you're acting like a baby") they learn to suppress their emotions.

• Emotional neglect: A lack of emotional support or acknowledgment (e.g., "I don't have time for this right now.") can lead to a child feeling invisible or misunderstood.

• Gaslighting: When adults deny or distort the child’s reality (e.g., You're just imagining things. That never happened”) the child learns to question their own feelings and perceptions.

Over time, these invalidating experiences shape the child’s emotional world, leaving them unsure of how to understand or respond to their own feelings, let alone those of others.

While all forms of invalidation can significantly affect a child's emotional development, it's important to recognize that most adults do not set out to invalidate their children. In many cases, this invalidation happens unconsciously, often rooted in their own unresolved emotional wounds or a lack of emotional validation during their own upbringing. Without tools or models for healthy emotional expression, they may repeat patterns they themselves were subjected to, not realizing the lasting effects this can have.

How Chronic Invalidation Affects Empathy in Adulthood

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It requires both emotional attunement (understanding someone’s emotional state) and the capacity to respond with care and compassion. For individuals who experienced chronic invalidation as children, developing empathy as an adult can be difficult for several reasons:

1. Difficulty Identifying Emotions

One of the primary effects of chronic invalidation is emotional confusion. When a child’s feelings are regularly dismissed or belittled, they learn to suppress or deny their emotions. Over time, this leads to difficulty recognizing or naming their own emotional states. As adults, these individuals may struggle to identify and understand not only their own emotions but also the emotions of others. Without awareness of their own feelings, it’s hard to connect with the emotions of those around them.

2. Low Emotional Awareness and Regulation

Chronic invalidation teaches children that their emotions are wrong or unimportant. As a result, they may grow up with a poor sense of emotional regulation. This can create barriers to empathy because when adults experience emotional distress, they may become overwhelmed or shut down instead of using emotional awareness to connect with others. Instead of feeling and processing emotions, they may withdraw, which inhibits their ability to engage with others empathically.

3. Fear of Vulnerability

Empathy requires a certain level of vulnerability. To empathize with someone, you must be open to understanding their emotions and sharing in their experience. However, individuals who experienced chronic invalidation may have learned that vulnerability is unsafe. When a child’s feelings are invalidated, they may start to believe that expressing emotions leads to rejection or punishment. As adults, this fear of vulnerability can prevent them from empathizing with others. They may struggle to allow themselves to be emotionally open, both to others and to themselves.

4. Difficulty Trusting Emotional Experiences

When emotions are constantly invalidated in childhood, it becomes difficult to trust one's own emotional experiences. An adult who grew up in this environment might feel disconnected from their emotions and unable to trust that their feelings are valid. Without trust in their own emotional responses, it can be challenging to recognize the emotions of others accurately, let alone offer empathy or emotional support. This can lead to misunderstandings and emotional disconnection in relationships.

5. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion

Chronic invalidation can severely impact self-esteem. When a child's emotional needs are ignored or belittled, they may begin to feel unworthy or unimportant. This lack of self-worth can lead to difficulties in offering empathy to others, as these individuals might struggle to feel compassion for themselves, let alone others. Empathy requires a certain level of self-acceptance and emotional well-being, which can be compromised when self-esteem is damaged by chronic invalidation.

Healing and Developing Empathy as an Adult

While the effects of childhood invalidation can be long-lasting, it’s entirely possible to heal and develop empathy as an adult. Here are some steps to help you reconnect with your emotions and cultivate empathy:

1. Learn to Identify and Accept Your Emotions

Start by building emotional awareness. Practice checking in with yourself throughout the day, asking yourself how you’re feeling. Journaling can be a helpful tool for identifying emotions and processing them. The more you allow yourself to feel and name your emotions, the easier it becomes to understand others’ emotions too.

2. Challenge Invalidation Messages

As an adult, you may still carry the internalized messages from childhood that your feelings don’t matter. Challenge these thoughts by reminding yourself that all emotions are valid, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. You may also benefit from therapy or counseling, where a professional can help you unpack and heal these emotional wounds.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is essential for emotional healing and empathy. Learning to treat yourself with kindness, especially when you're feeling vulnerable, can help you cultivate empathy for others. Begin by speaking to yourself in ways you would speak to a friend in need — with gentleness, understanding, and care.

4. Work on Vulnerability and Connection

Building empathy requires emotional vulnerability. Practice small steps of vulnerability, such as sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or loved one. The more you allow yourself to be emotionally open, the more comfortable you’ll become with the vulnerability required to connect empathetically with others.

5. Engage in Active Listening

Empathy often begins with listening. Practice active listening by fully focusing on the other person’s words, tone, and body language without interrupting or offering solutions right away. Reflect back what the other person is saying and validate their feelings, even if you don’t always understand or agree with them. This helps to strengthen emotional connections and improve empathetic responses.

6. Seek Therapy or Counseling

For many adults, therapy can be a helpful tool for healing from childhood emotional wounds. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or psychodynamic therapy can help individuals process and reframe the effects of chronic invalidation. Working with a therapist can also guide you in developing healthier emotional responses and cultivating empathy for yourself and others.

Conclusion: Healing and Reconnecting with Empathy

Growing up with chronic invalidation can make it difficult to develop the emotional skills needed for empathy. However, by understanding how this early trauma shaped your emotional development, you can take steps to heal and rebuild your ability to empathize with others. Through emotional awareness, self-compassion, and therapy, you can reclaim your capacity for connection, compassion, and empathy — both for yourself and for those around you.

Reach out today, and let’s start the conversation about how EMDR Therapy can change your relationship with yourself and others for the better.

*This blog post was developed with the assistance of AI, which helped organize and enhance the content. The final content has been reviewed and refined to ensure it aligns with our values and to ensure it provides valuable insights to our readers.