When Self-Care Feels Unsafe, Not Optional

Most people already know they should take better care of themselves.

They tell themselves that this year they will slow down. That they will rest more, enjoy their life, and do things that feel nourishing rather than depleting. And yet, despite good intentions, very little changes.

This is often framed as a lack of motivation or discipline. But in my work with trauma, burnout, and high-functioning adults, I see something very different.

For many people, difficulty with self-care has little to do with willpower and a great deal to do with what their nervous system learned early on about safety, responsibility, and worth.

How Self-Care Becomes Complicated

If self-care feels indulgent, uncomfortable, or strangely stressful, that reaction did not come out of nowhere.

Many people grew up in environments where staying busy, being useful, or taking care of others was implicitly rewarded. Slowing down may have been discouraged, dismissed, or subtly punished. In those contexts, rest was not neutral. It carried meaning.

Over time, the body learns these patterns, and a part of you may still associate care with risk. Another part may believe that staying productive is how connection is maintained. These patterns are not flaws. They are adaptations that once helped you function or belong.

From a trauma-informed perspective, it makes sense that self-care would now trigger guilt, anxiety, or an urge to push through. Your nervous system is responding to old learning, not current reality. Earlier experiences can remain active in the nervous system, even when life has changed. What was learned in moments of stress can continue to shape reactions long after the threat has passed.

Why Big Intentions Rarely Translate Into Change

At the start of a new year, many people set broad intentions such as “take better care of myself” or “slow down more.” These intentions are sincere, but they often fail to translate into real change because they ask the system to do too much, too quickly.

When change is vague or overwhelming, the body defaults to what is familiar. This can lead to frustration and self-criticism, which only reinforces the belief that care is something you should be able to do better. Insight alone is rarely enough to shift these patterns. Understanding why something developed does not automatically change how the body responds.

But change that lasts does not come from pressure. It comes from safety.

Working With Capacity, Not Against It

From a nervous system lens, sustainable change happens through small, tolerable shifts that build familiarity over time. Rather than asking, “What should I be doing?” it can be more helpful to ask, “What could my system actually allow right now?”

For some people, self-care does not involve adding something new. It may look like ending a task without finishing it perfectly. Pausing before responding to an email. Letting a moment of tiredness register instead of overriding it. Allowing yourself to leave something early without explaining why. For some, it may mean staying engaged with healing work, even when parts of you want to pull away.

These moments may seem insignificant, but they are often where the most meaningful work happens. Each one sends a quiet message to the body that care is possible without loss or consequence.

At first, these shifts may feel awkward or even unsettling. That does not mean they are wrong. It means your system is encountering something unfamiliar and learning that it can be tolerated.

Letting Care Become Relational

Self-care is often framed as something to accomplish or maintain. But for many people, it is more accurate to think of it as a relationship that is being renegotiated.

When you notice resistance, guilt, or urgency arise around slowing down, it can be helpful to respond with curiosity rather than force. Something in you is trying to protect you, even though the strategy is creating difficulties.

Over time, as care becomes more predictable and less threatening, it requires less effort. What once felt like a risk can begin to feel like a choice.

Self-Care Is Not About Becoming Better

Self-care is not about fixing yourself or meeting another standard. It is about creating conditions where your system does not have to stay on high alert to function.

For some people, this process unfolds naturally through small changes. For others, therapy can help explore the early learning that makes care feel unsafe and support change at a pace the body can tolerate.

If you find yourself wanting to care for yourself but feeling unable to follow through, there is likely nothing wrong with you. Your system learned what it needed to survive.

With time and support, it can also learn how to rest.

Dr. Rosemary Rukavina is a licensed psychologist based in Burnaby, BC, specializing in EMDR and Couples therapy. She helps individuals work through trauma, anxiety, burnout, relationship issues, and other mental health concerns using evidence-based techniques. Dr. Rukavina offers a compassionate and grounded approach to support clients on their journey toward healing and growth. Learn more.

*This blog post was developed with the assistance of AI, which helped organize and enhance the content. The final content has been reviewed and refined to ensure it aligns with our values and to ensure it provides valuable insights to our readers.